All I want to do is leave but I don’t know how I don’t know the words I don’t know what to say In every word that she purrs in every smile that she shines all I see are other lives are other ways for me but I don’t know how I don’t know how…
All I want to do is say ‘goodbye’ but I don’t know if I can I don’t know when it’s right I don’t know if I am In every kiss that she steals in every lie she extracts all I feel is a damming shame and how I want to get out but I don’t know how I just don’t know how…
And this can’t go on anymore I have to stop it now but I’m not even certain if this is really me and the only one I can trust is the one I want to leave There is no one else left there is nowhere to turn
So, I have to decide I have to be strong but it’s so hard to admit it’s too tough to address I don’t want to regret this but I don’t want to just settle I have to be sure I have to be right but there is no real ‘wrong’ and there is no clear ‘right’
I’m not scared to be alone I’m not afraid of the night but I’m petrified of regret and know I will miss her so much and more than anything else I don’t want to hurt her but if I do this then all I will do is hurt her more than I am hurting now more than I am hurting now
I have to be sure I have to be right but there is no real ‘wrong’ and there is no clear ‘right’…
Thanks for reading this old poem.
Note: I’m going to post some older poems which I’ve never shared before over the next week or so. They’re all quite early in my writing and are flawed in all sorts of ways (aren’t we all) but I thought they might be of interest to people to see where I started. T.A. 18th June 2021.
I lit a fire on the beach you were feeling beaten by the wind no, we can’t hear anything in this weather but the waves and the crackling wood you don’t speak anyway we have nothing we care to say
Our human silences amid nature’s screams fill me with a loss so unforgettable Our human silences amid nature’s screams fill me with a void so inescapable
The sky goes dark and the sea slides away time is huge and our movements tiny I wrote my address on the back of your hand but you reached into the water and it vanished I can’t imagine a life not anchored here as you turn slow to dive from me
The answers come only with soft punches a milked stone, I lie folded and bruised how could we ever know this lost romance your whirlpool eyes cry tears of understanding I dust the sand from my baked face and frown there’s no warning of love’s swift decay
Our human silences amid nature’s screams fill me with an ache so all consuming
Moon reveals the night’s black heart you say you love me, as you leave me you say you care for me, as you go down on him there’s no favour you can grant me anymore there’s no connection to the blood in my heart just open your palms, expose our withered bonds
The rain rages fast and hard across the sand we tussle as broken wings on some sick bird finality comes to me, its decision absolute your hand slips away and swings clear for all time I fall back into the water, exhaling slowly ‘Our home cannot be here…’