You show me your open hand flash me your smiling eyes Say ‘come here, talk a while’ then you leave me standing in the rain
You hand me a note stained with kisses gift me a signed photo of you Say ‘have this, share with me’ then you leave me standing in the rain
I am such a fool I am such a fool for you I’ve been standing in this rain for three weeks solid now
You meet me at one of our old haunts loiter in the doorway of our youth Say ‘Thank you, so much, for coming’ then you leave me stranded in the rain
You write me such an honest letter show me even more of depths of all you are Say ‘I’m in need of someone like you’ then you leave me stranded in the rain
I am such a fool I am such a fool for you Either you don’t know enough about me or you know exactly what you do Give me another taste of all I want then pull away and make me wait again
This is torture I could do this to myself I don’t need you, too I am such a fool I am such a fool for you
Why won’t you open up and give yourself to me finally and fully As I stand in the falling rain soaked through I’m soaked through for you…
Cutting to the heart of all this longing is it the vicious tongue you wag at me or the perpetual mystery hanging from your actions the contradictions of your possible state of mind
I see the hurt, I feel the pain you carry and sense your urge to be desired by men the flirt of all you do rings loudly before you and against my better judgement I can’t help but come swimming back to your shores
With every scar you try to inflict or accidentally leave on my skin I drift away for a moment only then find myself battling the waves I can’t help but come swimming back to your shores
I know you didn’t ask for this I know you didn’t choose me or this adventure Yet, I brought it to you anyway and you didn’t quite turn me away
And you’re cute, there’s no denying you spill out in all my favourite places and know how to smile with a catastrophic magnitude that tears the hair clean off my scalp
The bile in your belly, the bitch barely-contained I never knew how much I loved that rage your misery is contagious I feel its cells dividing in my bloodstream
I doubt I am the only one you’ve drugged this way I know you’re not planning to leave your man but as long as you keep stoking the engine of longing I can’t help but come swimming back to your shores
I dream about you most nights and when I’m on the bus or train, or tube, or walking down the street or when I’m in bed with somebody else I dream it’s your body over which my hands journey
And yet you only reach out a paw for me when you know I cannot be there you only say you might want for me when you know we can’t connect
You’re playing me, humble instrument to your vanity you keep me hanging on for nothing real I know all of this so well and yet I gladly hang myself I can’t help but come swimming back to your shores
Sometimes it seems; maybe you feel more for me than I realise an ambiguous choice of words and perhaps it could mean more you say the lovers kissing in the bar, are reminding you of me I say the denim shirt I wore today was reminding me of you
So, who are you anyway and why do I long like this I feel a sudden shortness of breath when I look into your eyes I feel my chest twinge when you catch me looking
There’s something in your history too I know you’ve got some good hidden in you beyond the selfish drive you choose to expose I know there’s something that I could harness
There’s something in the things you’ve seen the pleasure I know you’ve experienced your taste for the beautiful and the sublime perhaps if I could make you choose me, it would mean I’m beautiful too
You laugh at my jokes… no matter how ruthless the punchline the sharper, the more scathing the better I can’t help but come swimming back to your shores
I need to catch myself before I fall much further slam my pick in the ice before the precipice
Cutting to the heart of all this longing I see such complicated shapes emerging and despite all my better instincts I can’t help but come swimming back to your shores…
It’s easy to blur the picture slip the lead of life A stray dog running wild No duty to reality
In truth, I wander lost fighting to make sense of all I’ve got Can I dive deeper Can I really reach her
Such superficial urges with such urgency swell up in me As if I’m bound always to beauty
She pushes her hand into mine When she licks those lips and presses her tongue so sublime how could I decline
But can I let her throw herself into this shallow sea… Her perfect body into this shallow sea…
I’m staring out restlessly Peering back into me But no, not deep enough Looking out relentlessly back into me And no, not deep enough not deep enough to dive
Can I let her throw herself into this shallow sea… No, no not deep enough not deep enough to dive…
There’s no such thing as a secret spot in this college town where strangers are just friends of friends news travels faster than light Even in the dark they’re bound to see as we embrace before we could kiss word would have blossomed across town
These people live for gossip these people live for scandal I don’t want to service them and their rotten needs (by giving in to my own…)
There’s no such thing as privacy in the glare of these glass eyes tacked onto busses, buildings, banks Casually observing every action if you and I would dare to speak we’d be captured, saved and dated before we’d even finished in this mistrusting town
These people live for drama these people bay for criminals I don’t want to fold to them and their rotten needs (by succumbing to my own…)
We cannot touch in this post-code we cannot push the slightest limit there is no shade there is no dark corner we can dwell in there is no blind spot there are no closed eyes in this paranoid town
Perhaps you could meet me on a sea-front somewhere wet and in the torrential rain this country’s eyes will be blinking so furiously, that they don’t see the true, free love that flows in us and we may finally give in and we may finally succumb to our rotten needs
Let me fan the flames of your fandom tickling ‘like’ and painting praise watching out for typos You and I should duck out of here you and I should get a room
What would we do in there behind the locking door? Turn two armchairs facing inwards swap endless breathless monologues clinging on to voices hanging from each word at what point would we be satisfied at what point would we be done
Let’s assume there’s a bed in that room or an armchair or a shower at what point would we be satisfied at what point would we feel like one
Afterwards, the peace glide and searching open eyes scanning for silent truths for glimpses of emotion, for clues at what point would we be satisfied at what point would it feel enough
There’s an ocean of desire between your pen and my paper there’s an ocean of water between your hem and my wrist
You and I should duck right out of here you and I need to get a room…
These paths we walk grounded by responsibility well-worn routine practiced intimacy I could only smile when you whispered in my ear ‘Take me away from this take me anywhere but here’
Living in the moment it’s all we know to do as you pepper my shoulder with kisses my fingers explore every inch of you You said ‘the world is a minibar cold and empty but now we’re blessed by this heat tonight, we’ve broken free’
You’re biting my shoulders as I worship at your chest real life left at the door shed like the straps of your dress Then you’re climbing over me and I taste it on my knees every drop is so addictive just like you said it would be
The way you bite your lip and your softly closing eyes when I gently twist my hip as I bring myself inside My thumb is in your mouth measuring the pleasure It’s a holy hell in this airport hotel
Those moans are low until they’re as high and loud as the planes above it’s a rush, it’s a ride to any escape that pleases us…
From the depths of a damp October you called me daily The auburn street outside so unfamiliar That new city didn’t yet feel like home
“I just called to hear your voice and ask when you’ll come to visit?” Muted tears falling on the university payphone And the scratch of coins loading asking if I missed you
And every day, I do of course, I do Every dusk into the winter our daily phone calls It was so hard to hear those secret tears
Two months crept by and now there are other voices I could hear you smiling and it’s so good to know you’re happy new friends surrounding fewer calls, less often
And every day, I do of course, I think of you Every iced spring morning I miss your phone calls it was good to hear you happy but sad to know you no longer needed me…
O Lord, I ain’t what I aimed to be I think I missed the target some my seed got turned upside down tried to grow towards the light and grew down…
O Lord, are you listening to me? ‘cause I’ve never heard your voice in here no conductor’s baton, no steady hand as I stumbled through this night and grew dark…
O Lord, I’m miles from where I meant to be the Devil, he has no compass, no stars to follow says ‘hack away, till you reach the easy warmth’ but I hacked so many people, I keep slipping in their blood and fall down…
O Lord, I haven’t used my eyes for years don’t see anything when you only live to feel I get whatever stimulus I can take I’ll take whatever’s not bolted down and go blind…
O Lord, I’m chased by that same snake again always offering me that same apple all I ever wanted was to live in the light Yet something always eclipsed that need now it feels too late to change and I’ll always hang here in this bleak greed and pitch night…
Would you forgive me, Lord let me admit to all this blackness and move on could you forgive me, Lord if I promise you I’ll change and for the better
O Lord, all I ever wanted was just to live in the light but look at me now, deep in the dark do you see me here, lost in this dark…
Those chemical seas wash you closer and closer to me on the chemical seas you ride closer and then closer again to here
O, how I’ve held a small part of my breath kept a little air inside for your return part of me; patiently poised as your waves wash through my closing fingers
O, how I’ve quietly tended a small flame for you landing lights aglow along this heart’s runway expectantly, with a constant hunger for that desired descent back to me
Those chemical seas sweep you past my port pulling you away from me Your fickle thoughts, your fickle heart strip you of decency rip you far away from here
The restless movement of the moon caught in my saucer eyes The polished mirror of the moon a wet silver across all your photographs
I’m still helplessly recoiling at the wave of hurt that levelled me but just as I see you, so the tide turns and as I reach out for you so your mind blurs
Click ‘play’ to hear me read this poem. Or right-click ‘save as’ to download an MP3.
Her fingers tracing mine Lily danced me out of the garden those green eyes brimming lively with purest abandon Then barefoot on the boardwalk her summer dress riding high she leapt onto the jetty and gestured to the sky
We let our tanned legs hang below as we bottomed up the bottle the air was hot and heavy the sea around us peaceful There was lust upon our minds as a veil upon a bride the deepest searing truths politely shot between our eyes
And no man could deny us loose and open all the time our hands and fingers; wanderers tongues locked in a rhyme By the spit between those kisses our burning lips were sewn her dress was barely there my body carved from stone
With each nail driven into skin I felt a clapping thunder the temple tapestry was tearing as she pierced my thin armour A melody sung upon her voice a lyric loudly grows I’d have gladly turned my back on all that I held close
We could have traveled every sea taking turns to lead the way if only if only she’d have asked me if only I’d thought to stay…
Dusk light falling on the harbour the day became a dream with toes curled round the boards she danced me to my feet in one movement I was shirtless in another she was naked a smiling glance was shared as we leapt with fingers knitted
Our kisses painted salty lungs burning between breaths the solution we had longed for as our bodies coalesced We swam until our limbs ached then floated side by side in the moonlit wideness of her eyes; another world, I spied
I was so thirsty for the moment and drank it all too quickly my mind got blurred and cloudy my greatest drunken folly Too naive to know the value of the treasure in my grip like sand through careless fingers I stood and watched it slip
There was water on three sides and only one path back to land but somewhere on that journey I somehow lost her hand Now, I wonder if she thinks of us a moment spared for all we shared does she ever sit upon that jetty singing of a parallel despair
We could have traveled every sea wild adventure every day if only if only she’d have asked me if only I’d thought to stay
If only I’d had the wisdom to stay…
[2020]
Extra special thanks for reading, I know it’s a long one. 🙂
Why should anyone still care why should anyone raise an eyelid the news is old Perhaps, eight years ago you may have gotten some reaction to justify the price of ink
Still you persist in writing them Letters to old lovers letters they may lazily reply to letters they may not reply to the news is old
There’s no reason now there’s no alliance Perhaps to reminisce for a short while on a long cold afternoon but nothing more in these new lives
Still you persist in writing them letters to old lovers letters that strain not to say letters that overtly long to say ‘let’s try again’
And every time the letterbox snaps its steel chops around your words old lovers don’t bat an eye old lovers just drive to work (and teach)
And perhaps some time they might recline maybe a word or two then they may spare for you ‘take care’, ‘go somewhere’ the news is cold
And still you insist on replying to them letters to old lovers letters that don’t know when they’re beat letters that don’t know when it’s time to stop
The early evening rain falls hard treading the yellow line, I’m solemnly waiting a little drunk, a little lost again all too aware of where I’m not going haunted by the ghosts littering this platform…
As she draws him in so close to her he dips his head, accepts those smiling lips begging, no, they’re beating to be kissed as phantom hands journey all across her body curves pushed tight on this freezing platform…
Now, thicker rain spits from a pitch black sky lit orange, my face winces, squinting hard twisted by the warmest dreams of last winter all too aware of what remains trapped back down my tracks haunted by our ghosts parading on this platform…
She holds the back of his head so firmly his eyes open looking into hers so deeply words shoot between, saying ‘I’d leave her for you ask once and we’ll make this passion permanent’ as those ghosts merge like puddles on the platform…
Clattering lights approaching, shattering the moment six empty carriages sailing down towards me inside there’s shelter, some drab imagined safety but no curves pushed close, no fingers locked tight haunted by the ghosts on the platform of my mind
Journeying onward, journeying home but haunted, always, by the ghost of you and I and all we could have been…
I was living certain and sure of the future I desired A house by the water sea air kissing my eyes before I brave the morning paper
A figure framed in a gaping doorway watching freighters skim the horizon Rest my coffee cup on the fence slide a nail down this foreign envelope draw the perfumed letter from within
The paper see-through like her summer dresses My fingers beneath it don’t do justice to the gentle tan of her skin or the constellations of those freckles
“They’re building bonfires down in the city park” she writes “I’m jealous of that fire and that flame I think of the fireworks that only we saw I recall those fireworks with a dampness in my eye
The realness of the fantasy we’d be painting daily between the thighs and sighs and all the magic we brought forth our bodies so alive”
Signed off with red lipstick and the creases of her mouth it’s suddenly not so obvious why I made my home here It’s suddenly so unclear why I made my home here
And I look out to see they’re building bonfires down on the beach O, I’m jealous of that fire and that flame
How I long to feel the creases of her lips pushing hard against mine…
I work hard most days hands all rough by six ah, but it’s worth every callous whatever’s needed and when I’m done, I walk right down the sea-front promenade sip on a cup of something so warm and so sweet with those boats sailing in and out in the lazy light of the evening
There forms a shape in the foam on my coffee I see the outline of your nose and eyes looking up at me I wonder just how easily all my hard work here could be dismantled with just a few whispered words wagged by your smiling tongue just the softest touch of my fingers along the youth of your skin in the drunken light of the evening
There is infinite potential of an infinite damage in the arch of your eyebrow in your heart-shaped pout to capsize in your curves would surely undo everything so utterly as you push your hair behind your ear in the sticky light of the evening
Those ships keep coming in and going out I tip the cup back, stand to leave I work so hard to keep from writing letters telling how much I long to have you but I do what it’s right to do I do what is right for you button up my coat walk slow and long across the sand in the mournful light of the evening the light that you loved
Walk you off in the sorrowful light of the evening the light that you loved…
Now I wasn’t looking out eyes down quietly working satisfied and gently living loving in time with the tick of the clock or the beat of her heart O, I was a good man I was doing alright
Then the poison found me crawling surely noosed my arm tapped my vein and came and came and came violently derailing loudly rerouting all that loving to the rev of the engine skewed to the thrust of this new heartbeat O, I was quickly turned I was too easily bent
And all I would know from there all I could know to see the only wants that dwell
They’re bad thoughts bad wants bad things bad thoughts bad wants bad things
All I’m wanting for is bad things, bad things with you…
The Lighthouse 