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Her fingers tracing mine Lily danced me out of the garden those green eyes brimming lively with purest abandon Then barefoot on the boardwalk her summer dress riding high she leapt onto the jetty and gestured to the sky
We let our tanned legs hang below as we bottomed up the bottle the air was hot and heavy the sea around us peaceful There was lust upon our minds as a veil upon a bride the deepest searing truths politely shot between our eyes
And no man could deny us loose and open all the time our hands and fingers; wanderers tongues locked in a rhyme By the spit between those kisses our burning lips were sewn her dress was barely there my body carved from stone
With each nail driven into skin I felt a clapping thunder the temple tapestry was tearing as she pierced my thin armour A melody sung upon her voice a lyric loudly grows I’d have gladly turned my back on all that I held close
We could have traveled every sea taking turns to lead the way if only if only she’d have asked me if only I’d thought to stay…
Dusk light falling on the harbour the day became a dream with toes curled round the boards she danced me to my feet in one movement I was shirtless in another she was naked a smiling glance was shared as we leapt with fingers knitted
Our kisses painted salty lungs burning between breaths the solution we had longed for as our bodies coalesced We swam until our limbs ached then floated side by side in the moonlit wideness of her eyes; another world, I spied
I was so thirsty for the moment and drank it all too quickly my mind got blurred and cloudy my greatest drunken folly Too naive to know the value of the treasure in my grip like sand through careless fingers I stood and watched it slip
There was water on three sides and only one path back to land but somewhere on that journey I somehow lost her hand Now, I wonder if she thinks of us a moment spared for all we shared does she ever sit upon that jetty singing of a parallel despair
We could have traveled every sea wild adventure every day if only if only she’d have asked me if only I’d thought to stay
If only I’d had the wisdom to stay…
[2020]
Extra special thanks for reading, I know it’s a long one. 🙂
Why should anyone still care why should anyone raise an eyelid the news is old Perhaps, eight years ago you may have gotten some reaction to justify the price of ink
Still you persist in writing them Letters to old lovers letters they may lazily reply to letters they may not reply to the news is old
There’s no reason now there’s no alliance Perhaps to reminisce for a short while on a long cold afternoon but nothing more in these new lives
Still you persist in writing them letters to old lovers letters that strain not to say letters that overtly long to say ‘let’s try again’
And every time the letterbox snaps its steel chops around your words old lovers don’t bat an eye old lovers just drive to work (and teach)
And perhaps some time they might recline maybe a word or two then they may spare for you ‘take care’, ‘go somewhere’ the news is cold
And still you insist on replying to them letters to old lovers letters that don’t know when they’re beat letters that don’t know when it’s time to stop
The early evening rain falls hard treading the yellow line, I’m solemnly waiting a little drunk, a little lost again all too aware of where I’m not going haunted by the ghosts littering this platform…
As she draws him in so close to her he dips his head, accepts those smiling lips begging, no, they’re beating to be kissed as phantom hands journey all across her body curves pushed tight on this freezing platform…
Now, thicker rain spits from a pitch black sky lit orange, my face winces, squinting hard twisted by the warmest dreams of last winter all too aware of what remains trapped back down my tracks haunted by our ghosts parading on this platform…
She holds the back of his head so firmly his eyes open looking into hers so deeply words shoot between, saying ‘I’d leave her for you ask once and we’ll make this passion permanent’ as those ghosts merge like puddles on the platform…
Clattering lights approaching, shattering the moment six empty carriages sailing down towards me inside there’s shelter, some drab imagined safety but no curves pushed close, no fingers locked tight haunted by the ghosts on the platform of my mind
Journeying onward, journeying home but haunted, always, by the ghost of you and I and all we could have been…
I was living certain and sure of the future I desired A house by the water sea air kissing my eyes before I brave the morning paper
A figure framed in a gaping doorway watching freighters skim the horizon Rest my coffee cup on the fence slide a nail down this foreign envelope draw the perfumed letter from within
The paper see-through like her summer dresses My fingers beneath it don’t do justice to the gentle tan of her skin or the constellations of those freckles
“They’re building bonfires down in the city park” she writes “I’m jealous of that fire and that flame I think of the fireworks that only we saw I recall those fireworks with a dampness in my eye
The realness of the fantasy we’d be painting daily between the thighs and sighs and all the magic we brought forth our bodies so alive”
Signed off with red lipstick and the creases of her mouth it’s suddenly not so obvious why I made my home here It’s suddenly so unclear why I made my home here
And I look out to see they’re building bonfires down on the beach O, I’m jealous of that fire and that flame
How I long to feel the creases of her lips pushing hard against mine…
You saw me, even then you knew me back when no one saw me I kept no one around who might know me I, too, was in my infancy twenty-something and far from knowing much in any real way at all
Still, somehow, you found me brought books of Blake to the shop we worked we’d sit and read together on the varnished wooden counter your summer dress hanging from you like a sail we’d admire the crazed paintings taste those verses on our tongues
Books of Blake we stood before and poured our minds all over you said I ‘didn’t know how to do what I was doing’ I ‘didn’t know how to love who I was loving’ the cheek of it! the incisiveness…
And you’d tell me of the bottle of wine you drank in the bath, the night before as the water grew cold around you cleverly planting images that I’ve not shaken to this day (all these years on)
You were a lush and tranquil island in the sea of my stupidity you were the first mind I truly connected with
And I still rue the day you slipped through my fingers growing cold around me then gone forever…
In the bright cave of memories, retained lives a warm smile kept, always, for you Glowing with sharp precision it will not fade You painted the walls of this space I occupy
With no hint of any slight that could be held to you No reason for ill thought of any kind could be Though I leave you here, our story over You’re imprinted on the person you helped me become
You showed me a new map of the world Your mind caught mine and threw it wide open I’d never known such connections could exist though now friendship only it’s deeply revered
I remember how we lay on your narrow bed, listening Playing each other the records of the songs that shaped us You span me ‘Harvest‘ I unreeled ‘Knock Knock‘ Our minds at peace in the glow of your globe
When I felt the slow damp tears collecting in my heart How I hoped this map would lead us somewhere else I’d been so sure our river was longer with more meanders Still your wisdom remains, retained deep within my bones
You showed me a new map of the world Where you’d come from well, I’d never been there Now, I wonder if I’ll ever go but if I do, know I take you with me fondly, always, in my memory
Still your easy way has etched its map across my brain A place I think about so often A place I’ll never be sure I should have left…
All this talk of cut cords, severed alliances assuming of an adultness of understanding a rationing of feeling where one side metes out their emotions only experiencing the right and sensible sensations
And so I forget to ask is it cold, where you are?
All this presumption of absolutes, burned bridges there being no way to return to stir this into a mess a wall of arbitrary time, slotted days upon weeks to hide the vision of what once shone so stellar
And so I forget to ask is it cold, where you are?
All this forward thinking, predictive dreaming pushing eyes and minds to see something not yet shown clawing the edges of a still concealed future an impatient Christmas morning of wild new opportunity
And so I forget to ask is it cold, where you are?
Selfishly distracted, by the glowing halo of tomorrow buoyed by a sense of feeling strong and free my mind gets wiped, all compassion corrupted when really I still care and will wonder about you always
Is it cold, where you are? and if it is, is there anything I can do?
If it’s cold where you are is there anything I can do?
We circle as sharks on the Hyde Park winter rink our eyes like lasers I audibly bleep when they meet
We both go forwards not getting anywhere we pass with differing intervals I only breathe when we pass
Some laps are flawless some laps are clumsy some laps I nearly take some sucker down some laps I kiss the ice
I feel your eyes lift me to my feet I feel them brush the slush from my skate would I have fallen if you hadn’t been watching would I fall if we linked arms
You’ve got some new moves I see a graceful pirouette by the bandstand another pair of eyes hold you tight from the sidelines another pair of eyes brim with that familiar glow
Sometimes we have to let go sometimes we have to help someone up who’s gone down sometimes we just have to skate past sometimes we can’t risk looking back
We circle like sharks on the Christmas market ice rink then you take off your skates make for the big wheel you’ll be too high in the city to see my heart waving below…
The planets above wink down to me ‘It’s now or never’ they’re implying I feel her hand brush mine as we’re walking side by side her house is just around the corner I’m leaving town tomorrow it’s now or never…
A deep breath, I take I breathe deep stop my walking, suddenly she stops and turns to face me it’s now or never I tilt my head, crack a smile make a joke, stall a while and asking if I’m ‘okay?’ she steps one step toward me it’s now or never…
I take her warm hand in mine draw a breath deep down Think of all that could come of this she looks at our hands still holding then back up at me and for a moment we share a moment…
But I break our gaze walk her home hug her perfume divine and close as I walk away, alone again I concede, it’s never now; it’s never…
I’ve been remembering the garden we once tended I’ve been thinking of the petals that fell each autumn I’ve been working through the list of things we said but never did
And the rains that fell upon our garden and the snow that covered all
I’ve been remembering the garden we once enjoyed I’ve allowed myself some moments to reflect with clarity I’ve been feeling sadness for the trees that have since been felled
And the sun that fed our lawns and the snow that covered all and when it thawed you were ready to be gone
And all the seasons since… Now you’re with another’s child…
I’ve been remembering the garden the flowers but not the thorns I’ve been reminded of the feeling when spring was all we knew I’ve allowed myself some hours to wander through those flower beds once more
I can remember how that snow felt even now; I can smell the rain I accept that all things end that’s just the way of things that’s just the way of all things
And all the seasons since… I hope your new garden is blossoming now…
Lit by the distant sun in a backyard beer-garden overlooking the meadow my swimming brain spins out through adventures of the past forgotten journeys by coach, by plane through unfamiliar landscapes to the desert in California
We rode the Greyhound between the sun-drenched cities your head lay on my lap and when we could tear our eyes from one-another we’d watch the world pass by in technicolour, all new
We stayed on Sunset Boulevard you lay naked on the hotel bed while I stared hard at maps and planned before turning my gaze to you we ran down Long Beach never questioning our love
This evening, I wonder if you will ever return to America will you share those moments with someone new can he afford to hire a car so you don’t have to ride the Greyhound stare out of the window laughing at the wind farm…
Where are the keys, why do we suffer these? Nine to five, making the best of things six to twelve, not making the most of me
Where is the doorway into, the life we always thought was ours? Five years pass, soon ten years have passed I’m older now but no nearer to where I want to be
These prisons these cells why do we dwell here? Are you the key are you the one for me?
Closed eyes at work and dreaming I am alive somewhere in words and rhyme schemes your mind’s on fire and always turning momentary escape through creativity
Closed eyes at night and kissing we’re alive, somewhere in the alleyway your tongue is in my mouth and we are beating two hearts filled with the thrill of living
These prisons, these cages why do we age here? You release me but always so briefly
Those things you make and speak inspire me but still I stay here Those things I say and do consume you but still you stay there
We were one chapter, now just a recurring character in the long story of each others lives you were a glimpse of all that might have been for me in the long story of our separate lives
but for a moment there for a moment we were not trapped
The Lighthouse 