In the shining eyes of the girl below me lit by the dim glow of a Paris night I see the distance growing that I’ve been running from for so long
And there, I gasped lay by her side, and said “What have I become? Do I mean anything to you?”
Inhaling on a cigarette she looked at me, sideways and said “You have lost so much most of which you gave away drunkenly, or deliberately Trying to be something else but to yourself you’ll always stay a stranger in this wasteland”
And that’s me a stranger in this wasteland Yes, that’s me…
[2004]
Thanks for reading this old poem.
Note: I’m going to post some older poems which I’ve never shared before over the next week or so. They’re all quite early in my writing and are flawed in all sorts of ways (aren’t we all) but I thought they might be of interest to people to see where I started. T.A. 18th June 2021.
Do you remember when we kissed in the dim bar, beneath the railway arches that hypnotic smile you wore the way you demanded to be held as all hell broke loose between us
Do you remember how you took my hands as we walked beside the rails you thrust yourself into my grasp pushed your body hard against mine and stopped time
And I felt so alive that I’d been nowhere seen nothing before that night
I still think about the drunken orange skies the red tail lights stretching on for miles as we drifted through the sprawling city the only heat; that which burned between us pressing your entire being up against me
And I felt so alive truly, I’d been nowhere seen nothing before that time
I remember you so clearly with such precise clarity I wonder do you remember me do you still think of me at all
Calling wisdom to see through all the horse shit of your flimsy words Those jelly-limbed actions flailing so selfishly and blindly out in front of me I’m calling wisdom…
Calling wisdom to untangle all the wires of your dangling contradictions Cut through the paper masks of all your posturing that you’re completely lost in I’m calling wisdom…
Calling wisdom to cast a dim light on your thinking What train of thought you caught to get to here These decided sidings of this line’s end I’m calling wisdom
Calling wisdom… to map a human sense of things the fucked foundation you’ve been building on is cratered and crumbling in upon us and burning bricks and buried bones are all that I can know now I’m calling wisdom…
Calling wisdom… to put in place a forest of words between us brush blooming plants to hide the muddy path that we spun down senseless and scared-shitless and because you never did I’m calling wisdom…
Out driving our first cars at night snaking the blackness of North East country roads I’d flick the headlights off hear the girls scream then back on and we’d crack up laughing
In our town, there wasn’t much to do but wander looping streets haunt the park outside of college blow house to house, see who was home or spend it lying in your bedroom laughing
When you and Chris split, he handled it okay drank too much a week or two and then got a little down but everything went on still way too soon for Mike to tell you so we all sat as friends and laughed
Back then, I couldn’t think of much else but Jenny but I loved the way you’d say my family name still hear it ringing from the depths of memory standing with you in some sticky bar and you collapsing into Mike laughing
They were gentle times, good times before we were scattered wide I don’t think I saw or thought of you that often twenty years just paced before our eyes how I hope you kept on laughing
With your man, your son your life carved out somewhere…
On a Brighton beach, one weekend this summer Mike was chatting, said ’the cancer took you’ and nothing more to add to that just taken – that’s all he knew there on the pebbles, I stood, winded and weeping
Just taken – nothing more to add to that
Jordan, it was laugher, laughter of you; that will always be my memory sweet laughter, laughter and the way you spoke my family name…
I will defend your right to say things that I don’t like and though I may disagree it doesn’t mean that I detest you I’ll try my best to understand how you reached that point of view
However uneasy listening don’t bite your tongue Let us see and hear you come and speak freely You may offend me but then I’ll know we’re not in tune
Perhaps we’ll both learn something if but how to better listen or argue I won’t stop or censor you let us see who you really are be it brimming with wild beauty or cosseted in poisonous loathing
All I can say and do is try and show you a different way Let kindness be your currency don’t rush to speak a ‘me’ Reach into the well of suffering and aim to lift somebody
Always see their value and your commonality If you’re feeling lost and don’t know what to do Reach out a hand to lend and your way will find you…
Click ‘play’ to hear me read this poem. Or right-click ‘save as’ to download an MP3.
Her fingers tracing mine Lily danced me out of the garden those green eyes brimming lively with purest abandon Then barefoot on the boardwalk her summer dress riding high she leapt onto the jetty and gestured to the sky
We let our tanned legs hang below as we bottomed up the bottle the air was hot and heavy the sea around us peaceful There was lust upon our minds as a veil upon a bride the deepest searing truths politely shot between our eyes
And no man could deny us loose and open all the time our hands and fingers; wanderers tongues locked in a rhyme By the spit between those kisses our burning lips were sewn her dress was barely there my body carved from stone
With each nail driven into skin I felt a clapping thunder the temple tapestry was tearing as she pierced my thin armour A melody sung upon her voice a lyric loudly grows I’d have gladly turned my back on all that I held close
We could have traveled every sea taking turns to lead the way if only if only she’d have asked me if only I’d thought to stay…
Dusk light falling on the harbour the day became a dream with toes curled round the boards she danced me to my feet in one movement I was shirtless in another she was naked a smiling glance was shared as we leapt with fingers knitted
Our kisses painted salty lungs burning between breaths the solution we had longed for as our bodies coalesced We swam until our limbs ached then floated side by side in the moonlit wideness of her eyes; another world, I spied
I was so thirsty for the moment and drank it all too quickly my mind got blurred and cloudy my greatest drunken folly Too naive to know the value of the treasure in my grip like sand through careless fingers I stood and watched it slip
There was water on three sides and only one path back to land but somewhere on that journey I somehow lost her hand Now, I wonder if she thinks of us a moment spared for all we shared does she ever sit upon that jetty singing of a parallel despair
We could have traveled every sea wild adventure every day if only if only she’d have asked me if only I’d thought to stay
If only I’d had the wisdom to stay…
[2020]
Extra special thanks for reading, I know it’s a long one. 🙂
I’ve been remembering the garden we once tended I’ve been thinking of the petals that fell each autumn I’ve been working through the list of things we said but never did
And the rains that fell upon our garden and the snow that covered all
I’ve been remembering the garden we once enjoyed I’ve allowed myself some moments to reflect with clarity I’ve been feeling sadness for the trees that have since been felled
And the sun that fed our lawns and the snow that covered all and when it thawed you were ready to be gone
And all the seasons since… Now you’re with another’s child…
I’ve been remembering the garden the flowers but not the thorns I’ve been reminded of the feeling when spring was all we knew I’ve allowed myself some hours to wander through those flower beds once more
I can remember how that snow felt even now; I can smell the rain I accept that all things end that’s just the way of things that’s just the way of all things
And all the seasons since… I hope your new garden is blossoming now…
Floating through the house all curtains open lit up against the night let the people see what you want them to
Curating the moments, so carefully trucks pass lost walkers returning from the fields catch glimpses see slivers of the character you created
A sensual, lost, bright mind the answer, the home to any lost soul…
Close-up on your pale face painted, pained, so perfectly the precise nature of your openness a second thought and then it’s revised a second thought and something not quite right; vanishes you vanished it
The scene is so moodily affected controlled and filtered so accurately gloomy in brooding midnight An ambiguous painting our eyes can’t help but dwell upon
Seeing all we want to see seeing nothing real
A beautiful, longing, artistic mind a destiny, a home to any lost soul…
Do you remember do you recall who you were before you were the imagined answer before you were the suggested home for all those lost souls…
