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The gulls above me, wild and free my song begins to echo theirs squawks of tuneless noise as I try to make some sense or to release something
Watching the breaking waves from a distance and then up close I’ve been nowhere but up and down the stairs of this hollow and lonely year
It’s hard to remember the good I do keeping other ships at safe distance as I patiently await the promised boat that will return me to the world and the smiling faces of my family
I fear I’m losing my peace of mind I sense the loosening pieces as my happiness erodes My song goes round and round as does the light I tend
Wild and free, used to be the way I chose to live Wild and free, an impulsive sea the way I chose to love
I wait so patiently on that coming boat that will return me to the world I used to love…
In the caverns of a King’s Cross bar I quietly compose an opening six months now, since our last meeting I catch sight of my reflection twisting in the half-full glass upon the bar What am I doing here set up for a disappointing sequel It’ll never be like it was at the start it’ll never feel like it did before
Festive cheers fill the bar as my mind slips back one year when my world was folding inward intoxicated with the excitement of chances taken and how I quietly spoke of my growing love for you in the blurry Christmas air I made foolish gestures at what I wanted slid my heart across the table waited with baited breath for your reciprocation and headed home empty handed…
Tonight is such a bittersweet evening a reminder of how much I love your company it hits me squarely, and for the first time, fully how much I’ve missed you But you’ve changed, grown up, matured somehow wisdom where once there was only spiked humour oh, as a friend you’ll always remain a favourite held out of reach by our history
It’s so bittersweet, our meeting our reflections melt and merge in the glasses that we drain I’m still beguiled by your luminous beauty and vindicated to know what I thought I’d felt was honest not pure circumstance, greed or opportunity our briefest spark lit my world so brightly in way never bettered before or since It’ll never be like it was at the start it’ll never feel like it did before
Such a bittersweet evening lit in the primary colours of December you, grinning, purr ‘let’s do this again soon’ and of course I say ‘I hope we do’ When I cast my eyes across this year it’ll always be your face reflected back at me when I look back from some future distance your face will always be smiling back at me…
Squinting at the good old days through a low winter sun Dreaming of those times spent down there on the sand lost in the blue hour or scheming on a journey deep into the night We could have gone anywhere a can raised to the sky and on our faces only smiles for miles and miles and miles
So many friendships left behind at other stations back down the tracks My friendships all are fraying their ropes unwinding I can’t see anything but all of their waving They’re waving goodbye
O, we need to make new memories…
Alone on the stones eyes cast out across the water churning looking back towards the land I feel there’s so much possibility still coursing through these veins only halfway, I’m halfway only The world bends where the sky and water blend as day ends, I see their pretty faces as the ripples on the surface
Those old memories they’re thinning in the depths at the edges of my mind My old partners in crime keep waving they’re waving goodbye
O, we need to make new memories…
Come dance with me on the moonlit beach let’s make new memories come roll with me on the endless dunes let’s make new memories…
[2019]
Thank you for reading. This one feels even more apt these days…
How patiently, how perfectly with such finesse, you plan our passion in such exacting detail you’ve prepared our romance five years in advance
A spreadsheet for every kiss lingering looks added to your ‘to-do’ list flow-charts of clothes torn off a map showing where to lose ourselves in the moment
But it’s still love or a version of it… O, it’s still love or your version of it…
Did you make a plan for me to bend my knee to descend on bended knee Did you even know me then did you even know me when you made that plan
A clockwork heart ticks true a clockwork heart flicks through a catalogue of love experiences to tick, tick, tick off
Ah, but it’s still love… or a version of it… O, it’s still love or your version of it…
In the office of your heart plan us a love event in the office of your heart can you schedule us some love
We circle as sharks on the Hyde Park winter rink our eyes like lasers I audibly bleep when they meet
We both go forwards not getting anywhere we pass with differing intervals I only breathe when we pass
Some laps are flawless some laps are clumsy some laps I nearly take some sucker down some laps I kiss the ice
I feel your eyes lift me to my feet I feel them brush the slush from my skate would I have fallen if you hadn’t been watching would I fall if we linked arms
You’ve got some new moves I see a graceful pirouette by the bandstand another pair of eyes hold you tight from the sidelines another pair of eyes brim with that familiar glow
Sometimes we have to let go sometimes we have to help someone up who’s gone down sometimes we just have to skate past sometimes we can’t risk looking back
We circle like sharks on the Christmas market ice rink then you take off your skates make for the big wheel you’ll be too high in the city to see my heart waving below…
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Senses softened in the dark afternoon This year is charring in the fire grate So, I pour out into the haunted fields looking for loneliness, for lines, for clues to get a handle on all that’s happened to make predictions on where I am headed
All around my body, the world’s covered by a sheet life’s decorator is preparing to paint the new year This land spills on for snowy miles my past reels out somewhere behind me in those paths taken, in those choices made; there are glimpses of the shape of my future
The Grecian islands, the Cornish coast Those petty milestones, those brave goodbyes from swollen ankles, to exploded minds Portuguese walled-towns, to Derbyshire hills From a decade planted, then uprooted and moved the letting go, the keeping a hold Surprises; surprising, plans made and fulfilled much falls away, much more presents itself weddings, worries, work; with friends consciousness glides across the ghostly fields comes to rest behind my smiling eyes
So, now I have the things I’ve always wanted the peace I chased, the love I imagined the tools I’ll need are all within me and Kate is waiting, with her key, somewhere
By the gate, I pause, look up into the nothing time stands still, my eyes adjust… the pitch black night is full of stars (when did I last see those?) My gaze breaks, my footsteps in the powder flow time moves, I need for nothing else… I go back into the house
Toss my wondering on the fire pour a drink, talk to my family I’m satisfied and warm…
Out driving our first cars at night snaking the blackness of North East country roads I’d flick the headlights off hear the girls scream then back on and we’d crack up laughing
In our town, there wasn’t much to do but wander looping streets haunt the park outside of college blow house to house, see who was home or spend it lying in your bedroom laughing
When you and Chris split, he handled it okay drank too much a week or two and then got a little down but everything went on still way too soon for Mike to tell you so we all sat as friends and laughed
Back then, I couldn’t think of much else but Jenny but I loved the way you’d say my family name still hear it ringing from the depths of memory standing with you in some sticky bar and you collapsing into Mike laughing
They were gentle times, good times before we were scattered wide I don’t think I saw or thought of you that often twenty years just paced before our eyes how I hope you kept on laughing
With your man, your son your life carved out somewhere…
On a Brighton beach, one weekend this summer Mike was chatting, said ’the cancer took you’ and nothing more to add to that just taken – that’s all he knew there on the pebbles, I stood, winded and weeping
Just taken – nothing more to add to that
Jordan, it was laugher, laughter of you; that will always be my memory sweet laughter, laughter and the way you spoke my family name…
Cutting to the heart of all this longing is it the vicious tongue you wag at me or the perpetual mystery hanging from your actions the contradictions of your possible state of mind
I see the hurt, I feel the pain you carry and sense your urge to be desired by men the flirt of all you do rings loudly before you and against my better judgement I can’t help but come swimming back to your shores
With every scar you try to inflict or accidentally leave on my skin I drift away for a moment only then find myself battling the waves I can’t help but come swimming back to your shores
I know you didn’t ask for this I know you didn’t choose me or this adventure Yet, I brought it to you anyway and you didn’t quite turn me away
And you’re cute, there’s no denying you spill out in all my favourite places and know how to smile with a catastrophic magnitude that tears the hair clean off my scalp
The bile in your belly, the bitch barely-contained I never knew how much I loved that rage your misery is contagious I feel its cells dividing in my bloodstream
I doubt I am the only one you’ve drugged this way I know you’re not planning to leave your man but as long as you keep stoking the engine of longing I can’t help but come swimming back to your shores
I dream about you most nights and when I’m on the bus or train, or tube, or walking down the street or when I’m in bed with somebody else I dream it’s your body over which my hands journey
And yet you only reach out a paw for me when you know I cannot be there you only say you might want for me when you know we can’t connect
You’re playing me, humble instrument to your vanity you keep me hanging on for nothing real I know all of this so well and yet I gladly hang myself I can’t help but come swimming back to your shores
Sometimes it seems; maybe you feel more for me than I realise an ambiguous choice of words and perhaps it could mean more you say the lovers kissing in the bar, are reminding you of me I say the denim shirt I wore today was reminding me of you
So, who are you anyway and why do I long like this I feel a sudden shortness of breath when I look into your eyes I feel my chest twinge when you catch me looking
There’s something in your history too I know you’ve got some good hidden in you beyond the selfish drive you choose to expose I know there’s something that I could harness
There’s something in the things you’ve seen the pleasure I know you’ve experienced your taste for the beautiful and the sublime perhaps if I could make you choose me, it would mean I’m beautiful too
You laugh at my jokes… no matter how ruthless the punchline the sharper, the more scathing the better I can’t help but come swimming back to your shores
I need to catch myself before I fall much further slam my pick in the ice before the precipice
Cutting to the heart of all this longing I see such complicated shapes emerging and despite all my better instincts I can’t help but come swimming back to your shores…
Do not be afraid of the flames they are the best thing I have ever known Do not try to apply your logic for it holds no currency here You’re welcome to try and hide your joy but there is no point in fighting this it will take you, if it wants to
Do not be afraid of the flames take the chance we all must take please risk the ‘getting burnt’ for there is no better way there is no better purpose in this life Lay yourself down, open your arms hold out your heart, to give
Do not be afraid of the flames there is nothing to fear The love cannot flow unless you let go Take a chance the chance you take I promise you I’ll honour Do not be afraid of the flames I will not let you burn I swear…
In the dimming garden beneath the belt of Venus fingers grip a bottle a nightcap alone
Finally, I belong finally, I belong to someone how I’ve run from this for so long
Now, nothing makes me happier nothing makes me feel more sure of anything than knowing that you’re waiting
There were so many jokers in the deck the two of hearts, too many cards and still dealing, still dealing
The night air’s tinged by a new chill September’s signature autographing my bare arms but I barely feel it
Let me stay by your side through winter months and country walks through rain and sleet and fog
I used to hold nothing in my hand look at the empty shape it made wondering if there was something missing something that should have belonged only me I should have belonged to something to you
I sit down into the wicker chair look across the valley below the sky is closing in the distance darkness gloves the globe again
How could I even for a moment have doubted I held the winning hand all this time
How could I even for a second doubt that I held the winning hand all along…
The cliché of a midnight station two trains waiting to depart I hold you for the final time then we lock eyes the knot in me just tightens for all the words I keep in my mouth…
What isn’t done now will never be done What isn’t said will never be said All my love in our goodbye…
The limitless black of sky above haunts our last encounter as absolute as my choking sadness I dip my eyes Can you read my mind? all hope of a reprieve quietly dies with all the words I keep in my mouth…
From another platform across the tracks I watch you make your slow, sure way with each footstep my passion boils my eyes, they widen the fear grips me harder We cannot end in such silences with all these words kept in my mouth…
Across the rails my shouts explode the desperateness in these dying moments I scream of my love for you My burning, bursting want for you the aching, beating, magnetic pull of you…
And you call back to me you thank me for my ‘honesty’ but you ‘don’t know what to say’ So, you don’t say any more and your train slips you home my train drags me home
The story over the chance now passed an oil-black sadness is all I swim through all my love in our goodbye but all my love was not enough…
That first kiss was our last and all the promise I was so sure there was to be found in you it never came to be Such a bad taste left behind I let you down You let me down with broken promises
That first kiss was our last You burnt so brightly in front of me there was no way it could work when we wanted it that much come so quickly, then gone again I let you down You let me down with broken promises
That first kiss was our last We fool ourselves that we’re above this we tell ourselves we’re not affected in truth, it hits us worse than anyone so sensitive, so susceptible I let you down You let me down with broken promises
So quickly they come and go comets through the night sky I wonder what is left behind nothing but broken promises
So quickly they come and go again explosions of magic in the darkness I stop to wonder what is left behind and find nothing but broken promises broken promises on both sides…
We move slow in time with our slipping youth We don’t rush, no we were slow to go home
Passing the coffee shops and bars I would later make my home I couldn’t have ever known they passed by, a blur, unseen
Her hand held loose in the heat There’s no need to push things we’ve time…
Then one night on a sofa in the kitchen at my mother’s house She turned slow, smiling and said “we should”
I could have laughed I must have beamed and all at the same time I was cautious
We moved slow tip-toeing down to the car I didn’t know if I could take another one another person’s innocence away
So, I paused… and time slipped away…
In a daydream I had more recently in a bar, when I was feeling particularly old I thought back and couldn’t remember why I didn’t have her If I could do it now I would do it now
Then it hit me I was honest then I was decent O, I was a real man back then…
If you ever come to London… On the last night of your trip let me know when and where you’ll be eating I’ll book a table get to the restaurant before you arrive And as you order dinner with your husband and your kids we can exchange covert glances
Nervous at first, mere milliseconds then slowly growing in confidence our first and only glimpse of one another in the flesh eye-fucking, lip-biting so subtle and so smart Hopefully, we’ll pass on the way back from the bathroom I’ll hold your gaze too long let my knuckles graze your hip the only contact we’ll ever share I’ll leave while you’re still eating return to my hotel room alone
The next morning pouring a tea fumbling with the paper I’ll watch the sky wondering which plane is yours somersaulting in thought and how another life passed so close to this A brief glimpse between worlds and the other lives we could have lived…
The ocean calms me envelopes me supports me when I need to sail Powerfully, it won’t hesitate to remind me of my place or comfort me when I fail
Its waves sing along in time mirroring my mood or challenging me to improve We laugh in the shallows or toil through the depths almost always perfectly in step
Every day is beautiful a work of heart and trying…
The muse of my life; my happiness and though your face isn’t peering out from every poem Sometimes, we are artists making makes us happy in each other’s company we’re free
Sometimes, we’re salty Sometimes, we don’t say all we need to say, straight away but it flows out in the end and we’re back on course again
This life we made together our voyage into the future You my love, you are the sea Please never leave Raise your loving waters and swaddle them around me
Every day is beautiful a work of heart and trying to be my very best for you…
Click above to hear me read it. Right-click and choose ‘Save As’ to download an MP3.
In the hammering rain of last night I slept the best I have all week I slept deeper, longer than I have done for months
And would you guess who I should meet there on the dream stools at the dream bar ordering her dream gin sliding me a dream beer
Well, you come here often I don’t have to ask I’ve seen you here so many nights before but it has been a while (and I’ve missed you)
Back in real life; you live so freely you’re pure inspiration to me a scholar of your beauty besotted by your confidence, your creativity
And when we went our separate ways (did we ever really agree on one path anyway?) after all those notebooks you drove me to fill after the purest verses I fear I may ever spill
When we went our separate ways you found yourself an artist and now you’re all he paints day drinking, or in the nude the ways I still remember you you… you were born to muse
Sitting on the dream couch in the dream bar your dream knees pushing against dream me
Welcome to my world! We go through a lot in our lives but to accept them with an open heart and emotional strength is what keeps us alive. My posts are about all those little fears, happy moments, and anticipation we experience throughout our lives. I hope you find solace in them!
