Attic window open on the night a dim wash of light as hinges creak From the page, I raise my pen is that your laugh, your voice I hear blowing through the years
Is it you, is it real or a song of the wind it is you, is it real I’m never sure
I see the miles of white tiles that infinite airport floor where you left me statuesque our future time without a date that never came
The shredding of our story lost, somewhere in the night amidst the terminal and the air somehow I wanted to imagine more that never was
Is it you, is it real or a song of the wind it is you, is it real well, I never know
I checked my post fifteen times this week was that you I heard addressing me with a howl or a song of the wind the only tune I hear these days
Thank you for the kisses the love and warmth you brought all the jokes we shared and your fingers in my beard how could I forget
It’s you, it’s you a song of the wind always it’s you such a sweet melody to have known
And on the wind I hope your memory will always blow beside me…
[2019]
Thanks for reading or listening.
The lovely guitar accompaniment was written and performed by Sirishty Thakur who writes wonderfully on her blog ‘Thought Loop‘. Please do check out her work!
[Please click above to listen! Right-click and choose ‘Save as’ to download the Mp3]
Two lovers travelling two lovers meeting in the East
Their affair was letters inked and photographs Now here embodied will they know what to do?
She wakes him one morning, saying ‘let’s take a boat to an island we’ll rise above the Bangkok smog’
Bike beneath them spluttering her arms knitted around him they race from bay to beach chasing the burning sun with hair wet and smiles wide
Their shoulders lapped by waves she was beautiful sitting on his knee they felt married, waist deep straw hats wilting in the brine
He thought ‘I could hold you here forever I would kiss you until the stars pepper the sky’
Between the music from the bars off in the distance and the love dripping warmly from her words a song composes itself over the ocean
Orion’s Belt above them sand dancing between their toes they rest upon the rocks and she knows that she could love him he wishes this night would never end it’s one chance in their lifetimes between a blue night and dawn
In a stilted shack on sand her black hair spreads like ink across the bed longing dialling up their eyes as the air between them boils bodies’ voices blending
Two lovers travelling two lovers don’t know if they’ll meet again this could so easily have been the love of their lifetimes
This could so easily have been yet it existed only between a blue night and dawn…
In the bright cave of memories, retained lives a warm smile kept, always, for you Glowing with sharp precision it will not fade You painted the walls of this space I occupy
With no hint of any slight that could be held to you No reason for ill thought of any kind could be Though I leave you here, our story over You’re imprinted on the person you helped me become
You showed me a new map of the world Your mind caught mine and threw it wide open I’d never known such connections could exist though now friendship only it’s deeply revered
I remember how we lay on your narrow bed, listening Playing each other the records of the songs that shaped us You span me ‘Harvest‘ I unreeled ‘Knock Knock‘ Our minds at peace in the glow of your globe
When I felt the slow damp tears collecting in my heart How I hoped this map would lead us somewhere else I’d been so sure our river was longer with more meanders Still your wisdom remains, retained deep within my bones
You showed me a new map of the world Where you’d come from well, I’d never been there Now, I wonder if I’ll ever go but if I do, know I take you with me fondly, always, in my memory
Still your easy way has etched its map across my brain A place I think about so often A place I’ll never be sure I should have left…
Tonight, I eye the wind as it dances on the water singing of the distance that no longer can be closed
Well, I told you I was selfish there were no children in me Unwilling to stir for a moment from this endless daydream where I father my creativity
You told me that you knew me our hearts beating to that same drum set and no one must wake you either That carving pretty worlds behind closed eyes is your calling and profession
With one eye knowingly looking into mine and the other doggedly at the door you welcomed my request for kisses deep while telling me you could feel that farewell letter in my back pocket itching to be delivered
You rip away on the mildest breeze a kite cut free Could not believe the words a writer brought you the words you said you loved to read You wished it dead, before the birth and all I did was acquiesce
I tell you now that letter was no dis-missive but a list of tide times The wind thieves it from my fingers and I watch it whipping out across the water
Two selfish hearts can coexist only for a passing moment then the ocean rises the road is lost the causeway closes
All we were is washed away or wind upon the surface ripples or waves, decaying…
I lie, I tell myself, but it’s true some things are best left unsaid The future opened up and took you so, now I’m ironing my best fabrications hoping to convince someone else I’m free but your flawless face is still here printed a thousand times behind my eyes Now, who am I to kiss these foreign lips what right have I to dance on your grave
We’re all predisposed to failure us, the kids with hearts on sleeves We open our doors to destruction the moment we utter those three words but I’ve become so obsessed with doom that I don’t always see the stars when I stare into this night sky My eyes are tainted by the knowledge that everything will surely end
I smile, I tell myself, but I don’t some realities will never be acknowledged The sky opened up and drowned me so now, I’m digging out my umbrella to shade me from the sun that’s coming My mantra used to be ‘alone, but not lonely’ now, it’s more like ‘save me from myself’ but that’s just the way I am these days so eager, to just fold and indulge the tears
So, there’s no guessing where tonight will end when midnight comes to shake my hand will I be lying on a couch in the kitchen or lost somewhere in these foggy streets strangled by a scarf and her sweet perfume choking on the beauty of such porcelain skin reciting my favourite phrases between kisses knowing that the ending is just hours away and that everything I want is on a timer…
[2005]
Thanks for reading this very old poem.
Note: I’m going to post some older poems which I’ve never shared before over the next week or so. They’re all quite early in my writing and are flawed in all sorts of ways (aren’t we all) but I thought they might be of interest to people to see where I started. T.A. 18th June 2021.
Once all our honey has been spread once the little moments are learned by heart routine a debt that stalks our steps and suggestions nag more than they ought then the waiting boat will take me to a wooden shack by the ocean and there, I’ll start again, alone
Once your touch no longer prickles once our conversations are to walls not through them no sound but a ticking house that counts us down and my advice is not heard or welcome then the waiting car will take me a handsome driver spurned from some vintage memory and there, I’ll start again, without you
But darling, until that time, I’ll stay right here Darling, until that time, I’m yours yet to discover unwrap me, keep unwrapping me
Once the laughter seems decades dead once each tick feels designed to grate the breath of each day too thick to breathe and nowhere left to sit in peace then the waiting boat will take me to a beach shack by the pale ocean and there, I’ll find my youth again, alone
Once your rough hands feel me no more once all the years of the love add up to nought in a clockwork life that subtracts our bodies If every word becomes functional but formless then the waiting car will steal me caught in the still bright eyes of its reckless driver and there, I’ll find all that’s lacking, without you
But darling, until that time, please stay right here Darling, until that time, I’m yours, taste every mouthful unwrap me, keep unwrapping me
The waiting boat can wait a while longer That idling engine will have to wait a good while longer…
[2021]
Thanks for reading.
Based on a conversation about the little things people tell themselves to navigate difficult or uncertain relationships.
The Lighthouse 