Waiting for a friend sipping tea, sunglasses on passers-by double and disappear as reflections in shop windows everything lit golden then dimmed behind my lenses I stir the drink some more
Waiting for a friend they’re half an hour late now I barely notice just watch the people let my mind wander the liquid turning in the cup
And it hits me, squarely, there on the corner by the crossroads these moments left to my own devices find me so contented thinking, writing, dreaming drawing, planning, scheming
Have I just mastered the art of how to be alone or am I just happy Maybe… I’m just truly happy finally…
Hit play to listen or right-click and ‘save as’ to download.
There’s a girl in tears upon the cathedral steps as I walk to work the rain a mist that swallows us leaves blowing by I want to wrap my scarf around her and say
There will be better days there will be lighter times there will be happiness again
And there will be birds in the morning singing for you and me singing for you
There’s a boy in a phone box framed behind glass, he sighs as I’m passing by his call has ended the last call of that friendship I want to get him a beer and say
Don’t forget the love you have don’t forget those faces it will be bright again in time
And there will be birds in the morning singing for you and me singing for you
And the rain comes down and leaves blow by all the busses look so busy I laugh quietly to myself wondering Do birds even sing on winter mornings?
[2019]
Thanks for reading.
Oct 2022: Reposting again (sorry) – audio remastered with clearer vocals.
Through the bitterness of winter life crawls, so lingering and lonely and hauling your battered heart into the shelter of some place holy Your mind swims with the terrible things those hands have groped toward The grit of guilt and shame conspire to serve as your reward
Such troubled thoughts reverberate as they echo up into the arches Gathering their mass and falling back they’ve now swollen to a chorus It’s to the ivory king atop his wooden cross your hope will momentarily cling but in the deafening silence he lets ring you’ll sigh your stuttered hymn…
“O, hold me hold me like someone who knows me for there must be one…”
Caught between the ribbons and the frills of a hired friend in a rented room Her garments kiss the mottled carpet as she beckons you from the dimming gloom You’ve lassoed all your longing gathered up your greed but all is tarnished by the arrogance of succumbing to this need
To feel her fingers, small and slender as they rouse your self belief A patron of the pornographic sweatshops with nothing beyond this fleeting relief Your hands suddenly feel so cold There’s much your body is aching to confess and your tears of lumpen coal merely exist as you whimper at her breast…
“O, hold me hold me like someone who knows me for there must be one…”
The dance of waves like hungry knives metallic in the floodlight moon This freezing clifftop is haunted by the remnants of a family ruin And strobing images of numbered girls divorced from name and age You torched everything that mattered for a compulsion you could not assuage
The trouble swells, you’ve lost control it’s from yourself you now must flee Still your wings, they have no feather it’s a long way down but then you’re free Soon you’ll slip between the stars a fragment of that timeless beauty as the sea rises up to carve your body you exhale that broken plea…
I watched you wrangling those sensations turning your heart upside out, inside down And dipped in ink kissed the page I heard your words fall articulate fictions collected spelling out the world filtered through your eyes…
I sat, awe-struck at those flippant phrasings pouring from your pen Truest lies, the lying truths splattered accurate clinging to the pages I believed the textures you carved in open air the spoken honey of your prose a world seen through dark eyes…
All gone and gone time laughing at us It’s all forgotten time mocking us all for nothing like rain at sea Those sparkling lines those beauties bound all forgotten like rain at sea like rain at sea…
[2013]
Thanks for reading. I have no memory of writing this one but I quite like a couple of the lines so thought I’d share.
Standing on the sand I watched the boats afloat I thought to myself; I must look good cinematic, brilliant, deep, mature all eyes were on me, because I stood out how they must love me…
As those ships drifted by I’d be thoughtful roll my eyes, look to the ground with all the girls watching my ticks and style I was sullen, moody, sexy, smart beyond my years they’d love me…
And standing by the water’s edge I’d smile those girls would find me in my tent that night strip me down and pick me up, I’d be lost I’d be so ready for the feelings I imagined I’d be lovely…
Standing in the surf I stole the show, all the people loved me they loved me, even if they never said or never looked… or never came…
And as I grew, I learned to see I was just a boy, staring at the sea a head of daydreams, ideals and fantasies my image really; just childish, introverted completely unapproachable
The girls, they didn’t come to me I just stood on that shore by day and ran through tall grass and summer rain by night watching the waves from rocks and heights
My pretence, my best defence the only way I ever felt okay trying never to admit I was young and lonely I was so young and already so lonely…
[2003]
Thanks for reading.
Originally published June 2020. This poem can also be found in my poetry collection ‘One of These Years…‘.
From the depths of a damp October you called me daily The auburn street outside so unfamiliar That new city didn’t yet feel like home
“I just called to hear your voice and ask when you’ll come to visit?” Muted tears falling on the university payphone And the scratch of coins loading asking if I missed you
And every day, I do of course, I do Every dusk into the winter our daily phone calls It was so hard to hear those secret tears
Two months crept by and now there are other voices I could hear you smiling and it’s so good to know you’re happy new friends surrounding fewer calls, less often
And every day, I do of course, I think of you Every iced spring morning I miss your phone calls it was good to hear you happy but sad to know you no longer needed me…
Playing in the garden watching films together as you nestle into my arm learning each other’s language You trusted me, eventually became part of my family
I loved to watch you explore the world we shared sunbathing on the rug or endless pats in the living room Your fur and the quiet purr of little teeth grinding
What I’ve been dreading now, it’s happening You’re still you but your legs no longer work yet you look to me with such affection in your eyes
I’m so happy we were alive at the same time I’m so grateful your life aligned with mine and I can’t measure the happiness you brought
As the tears clear, I can see I’m doing the right thing and yet it sorely stings to watch you slip away Such trust in your closing eyes as we say our last goodbyes
All I ever wanted was the best life for you You’re skipping now forever through the meadows and the vegetable patch of my fondest memories…
O Lord, I ain’t what I aimed to be I think I missed the target some my seed got turned upside down tried to grow towards the light and grew down…
O Lord, are you listening to me? ‘cause I’ve never heard your voice in here no conductor’s baton, no steady hand as I stumbled through this night and grew dark…
O Lord, I’m miles from where I meant to be the Devil, he has no compass, no stars to follow says ‘hack away, till you reach the easy warmth’ but I hacked so many people, I keep slipping in their blood and fall down…
O Lord, I haven’t used my eyes for years don’t see anything when you only live to feel I get whatever stimulus I can take I’ll take whatever’s not bolted down and go blind…
O Lord, I’m chased by that same snake again always offering me that same apple all I ever wanted was to live in the light Yet something always eclipsed that need now it feels too late to change and I’ll always hang here in this bleak greed and pitch night…
Would you forgive me, Lord let me admit to all this blackness and move on could you forgive me, Lord if I promise you I’ll change and for the better
O Lord, all I ever wanted was just to live in the light but look at me now, deep in the dark do you see me here, lost in this dark…
Click above to hear me read the poem aloud. Right-click and choose ‘Save As’ to download.
Slipping between the scattered diamonds as turquoise waters part and gently lisp against my throat The heat beats down and the sunlit ocean claims me as its own
Swimming in the shallows fish and rocks, bend and merge the lapping lens obscures them all weightless in the womb of possibility The purest pleasure of the planet against my pores
The dipping sun, a molten iron ingot a neon snooker ball plunged into the horizon torches every surface All is pink and crimson a beauty I’ve never known
Dining later every mouthful was kisses smacking The spice on my tongue so uniquely exciting Cricket’s clicks swell to a crescendo smothering every sound
The evening air warmly fills my heart and skin Blood laced with love The whole day seared into memory I tried to catch my breath but it couldn’t stop escaping
Every sense alight with simple joy at my most alive living in and living through the happiest day of my life I tried to hold the moment but it wouldn’t stop escaping…
Two lonesome figures under a maudlin sky Two friends trying to speak to understand something The wind whips up clouds of stinging sand It’s so hard to look ahead both momentarily blind under this maudlin sky
So many miles, we’ve come so many times we laughed together Now, the future feels so small every outcome seems so brutal I try my best to steady you when your steps waver ‘one foot in front of the other’ the only advice I can muster under this maudlin sky
These moments are dense with a thousand universes Thinking feels infinite limbs so heavy and useless I can’t put my arm around your shoulder I can’t manage that quite yet So, we walk with all our questions tentative with every step
I wish I could fix this trouble for you but there are things you can’t undo Late at night in your lonely room dark matters at the heart of you Are you still the friend I thought I knew under this maudlin sky
And I want to ask you why but I know that you don’t know and I want to ask you why under this maudlin sky…
Are you still the friend I thought I knew…
[2022]
Thanks for reading.
This one one of the poems I wrote in August when I forced myself to write a poem every day – unedited and raw.
So many warm afternoons spent in my Grandad’s endless garden Home to my first and only treehouse when air-raid siren tests still filled those Northern streets
And most magical of all the rough lumber shed he’d built A place of wooden-handed tools you had to carefully maintain with oil tools what would have been his grandad’s
A place where big furry bees chose to die with dignity behind his motorcycle helmet or a row of ancient cricket balls by jam jars full of sorted screws
Eighty eight lead weights from the keys of some deceased piano kept for… I’ve no idea Drawers of bakelite switches and fuses A big old crate of things for me to play with
Such fascinating bits of dismantled gadgets all teaching me to wonder to pay attention, and to imagine how everything might work
I’m still fascinated now, still want to know how all of this might work So, I show my working out right here on the paper writing with his old fountain pen…
The air is warm tonight the sea no longer ravenous As the shawl slips from your shoulders there’s a feeling that breeds in us now, we are home or close enough
A candle flickers at every table the seafront cafes like crooked teeth The harbour mouth is kissing us with its swing bridge tongue and river beneath We feel that we are home or close enough
Tied by these rings and the meaning of this thing we’re bound now in our journey seas and sunsets, tears and terror I long to treasure and to explore the universe inside of you
In my hand, I now find yours such a sweet relief the reassuring touch of home now close enough
Late night, harbour lights dancing on the water This love now blankets us And our kiss… our kiss… we’ve never tasted anything like this The feeling spills from every pore O, we’re both home now close enough…
Attic window open on the night a dim wash of light as hinges creak From the page, I raise my pen is that your laugh, your voice I hear blowing through the years
Is it you, is it real or a song of the wind it is you, is it real I’m never sure
I see the miles of white tiles that infinite airport floor where you left me statuesque our future time without a date that never came
The shredding of our story lost, somewhere in the night amidst the terminal and the air somehow I wanted to imagine more that never was
Is it you, is it real or a song of the wind it is you, is it real well, I never know
I checked my post fifteen times this week was that you I heard addressing me with a howl or a song of the wind the only tune I hear these days
Thank you for the kisses the love and warmth you brought all the jokes we shared and your fingers in my beard how could I forget
It’s you, it’s you a song of the wind always it’s you such a sweet melody to have known
And on the wind I hope your memory will always blow beside me…
[2019]
Thanks for reading or listening.
The lovely guitar accompaniment was written and performed by Sirishty Thakur who writes wonderfully on her blog ‘Thought Loop‘. Please do check out her work!
[Please click above to listen! Right-click and choose ‘Save as’ to download the Mp3]
Two lovers travelling two lovers meeting in the East
Their affair was letters inked and photographs Now here embodied will they know what to do?
She wakes him one morning, saying ‘let’s take a boat to an island we’ll rise above the Bangkok smog’
Bike beneath them spluttering her arms knitted around him they race from bay to beach chasing the burning sun with hair wet and smiles wide
Their shoulders lapped by waves she was beautiful sitting on his knee they felt married, waist deep straw hats wilting in the brine
He thought ‘I could hold you here forever I would kiss you until the stars pepper the sky’
Between the music from the bars off in the distance and the love dripping warmly from her words a song composes itself over the ocean
Orion’s Belt above them sand dancing between their toes they rest upon the rocks and she knows that she could love him he wishes this night would never end it’s one chance in their lifetimes between a blue night and dawn
In a stilted shack on sand her black hair spreads like ink across the bed longing dialling up their eyes as the air between them boils bodies’ voices blending
Two lovers travelling two lovers don’t know if they’ll meet again this could so easily have been the love of their lifetimes
This could so easily have been yet it existed only between a blue night and dawn…
A hyper-sensitivity of feeling your art connects across the senses The roughness of ancient bark beneath gentle fingertips A kiss from rock-pool water warm against bare ankles
A double exposure a murmuration it’s poetry, the sensuality the sheer never timid beauty lensed so gracefully with such assurance and dexterity
The texture, a waking daydream a cloak of fog, shaft of sunlight A cinematic freeze-frame marked by absence the distance or proximity of pain and recovery
Point and click, your dark-room trick it’s as if you have control over the mountains the birds, the tides or consummate authorship of the nuance you convey
A solo figure in vast expanse an aloneness I recognise searching but serene Lost in the careful creation of an endless mythology loudly reverberates in me
The slow creep of new tissue like quietly vanishing tattoos it’s at your back and haunches as your work builds and soars so far from that place expressive in its woozy warmth
I hear the touch, witness the aroma I exist in awe and quiet wonder A world scatters its knitted beauty a murmuration Little charcoal sketches across watercolour paper
The spine is a map a breadcrumb trail we trace with our fingers but we can’t go back ephemeral and observable only in reflection or a photograph
Dusk tides, an evening deer a crumbling barn, eiderdown snow A swimsuit girl, the Northern Lights a neon sign, a broken rainbow midnight phone booth, stitches in skin untethered and inspirationally free
Your photography is a place I love to visit when I can It’s pure poetry you pen with the light, with your lens A lasting comfort, you translate the message I can’t help but take;
It’s impossible impossible not to love the beauty of this world…
[2021]
Thanks for reading.
An ode to the exceptional work of one of my favourite photographers; Margaret Durow.
Boomeranging in the snowy streets it all comes back around to this that loneliness breeds contempt for the company of others…
Under a bridge by the station I kissed, when I was fifteen I kissed hard and passionate I kissed no one Then, at sixteen, under that bridge or anywhere for that matter I kissed no one I just lay in my darkened room I lay in wait alone
Ten years on and I’m still waiting but I’ve kissed, O, what I haven’t kissed isn’t worth mentioning yet, I’m still waiting now
All the people there are talking still I’m happier alone, dreaming more comfortable on my own dreaming again of finding my place
While under bridges down-town or by rivers, roads, colleges, canals I kiss all of them, all I couldn’t before each pair of lips, another conquest I’ll show the other me how things are done I’ll show him what he should have done
This howling wind rips through me this empty cavity screams deep such a thirst to contain something and when it does, it comes and goes I only ever know when it’s too late
And I kiss anything I’d kiss anything to understand this I’d kiss anyone to know just what is missing and I kiss anyone anyone but you…
Those chemical seas wash you closer and closer to me on the chemical seas you ride closer and then closer again to here
O, how I’ve held a small part of my breath kept a little air inside for your return part of me; patiently poised as your waves wash through my closing fingers
O, how I’ve quietly tended a small flame for you landing lights aglow along this heart’s runway expectantly, with a constant hunger for that desired descent back to me
Those chemical seas sweep you past my port pulling you away from me Your fickle thoughts, your fickle heart strip you of decency rip you far away from here
The restless movement of the moon caught in my saucer eyes The polished mirror of the moon a wet silver across all your photographs
I’m still helplessly recoiling at the wave of hurt that levelled me but just as I see you, so the tide turns and as I reach out for you so your mind blurs
The Lighthouse 