That sixteen-year-old words scratched there in my diary could bring the two of us here seems almost supernatural
A spring-evening walk, so like us the us we were as teens when you were my first and still my only kiss as we walked the peaceful parks of home
Now, so many years stretch across a wide valley of unshared experience they squeal and dance between us slowly and methodically we close the gap spinning our silken bridge of words
I pull the feathers from your lungs they’re knotted and tarred dripping with the bitterness of isolation they’re catching in your throat
Your silences and the space between those words they say much more they say it all…
Your sorrow is a blanket of leaves your sorrow is blossom that falls and covers this park…
Highbury Fields disappears beneath the tears I know you cry in your silent room from your hiding place
Recently, I read again of all you gave me when the two of us were lost together so I ask myself ‘what I can do to help lift you from this place’
What can I do for you what can I give to you only my time, only my time to you the healing warmth of resuscitated friendship as we walk the adult evening through this pretty park
And you can say it all you can speak it all out loud…
The plan never changed it was quietly revealed suddenly, this cell was just mine
Can I still grow? can I still change? I don’t want to be my father I don’t want to live alone
Another evening in another night, pushing everyone away All I need is a little space room enough to think a while write some lines a drink or two me; all too myself
But the more I take the more I die of this this poisonous time
And even on the odd occasion I go out and sit with other people there is nothing I can say to make them want me to stay I’ve focused every sense within this cell is me
There should be jokes, there should be smiles here! I used to be so good at this There should be humour, there should be such love! I used to be so good at this
But the more I take the more I die of this this poisonous time
Her skin is pale in the early evening hanging upside down from the foot of an unmade bed feeling weightless watching the world beyond the window where Autumn rain falls upward and lights divide
No appetite in this dark room no appetite for days friends all kept at bay no rubber masks, only patches of ice no fireworks, just fallen leaves collecting passing headlights flood the room then scan across the ceiling
Blood is pounding in her ears ‘I’m losing weight’ she thinks As puddles form in the street outside the shops all wear their shutters down She reaches up, closes her eyes pushes two thumbs into the carpet and whispers
‘With every second slipping away we become strangers with every second sliding away I cease to belong to anyone, to anything and strangers we will always be…’
The endlessness of loneliness the faceless prison guard rattles their keys but there is no release as she hangs upside down doing all she can not to break into a thousand pieces
The bell clatters ‘Time’ on another quiet night tucked off the shore front In the precious warmth of a Sisimiut tavern I take another jar, tilt it back and drain but still there are no answers waiting Slouching on the bar stool and licked by shifting shadows lulled to doze by the constant comb of a shuffling sea An absent-minded shiver washes over and, suddenly, so softly your pale arm around my shoulder You put your hand on top of mine My fingers splay and for the briefest moment yours warmly slip between them
How did you find me I’ve gone as far as I can go and still you reach me I’ve run as far as I can run yet still you’re haunting In every cell of me there lives an apology always longing for release I’ve got a skull full of sea and the sting of that thing, it lingers squid ink, blotting out my smile A cloud of darkness, I always carry And like the sci-fi turquoise skies above your patient ghost won’t let me hide here
Through the coloured houses spilling warm light on the snow fields The endless beauty of this country does its best to ease my soul-ache I stand by the winter-beached boats as the ice shelf cracks and sheers ten ton tears crashing hard into the brine
And I wonder which will be the first to end the frost of our faded friendship or the world…
Taking to the ocean distance put between my flippant will and things to conquer heart beasts tugging at my sleeve
Turning, turning, turning from that incessant chasing the bay recedes, city lights swallowed by the horizon heart beasts circling overhead
Test me, am I strong enough I try not to be broken daily trials so choking can I survive them?
At night, rocking in the waves dreaming of returning my fingers whispering upon them my fortunes reversing heart beasts tangled all around me
Rising in the morning telescope to my eye mistakes reflected back I reach for my pen, plot a course heart beasts following my wake
Some days, I have to wonder is the chart the right way round is this a map or just an outline is this a tide to follow heart beasts snapping at my feet
Will I be strong enough could I still be broken? daily trials to navigate can I survive them?
Here’s to the honest ground I’m scheming on here’s to heart beasts tamed each day; another day without them here’s to small victories here’s to heart beasts tamed here’s to living without them…
I do it to blur the edges vignette the haze of night I do it to shave the edge off it’s always my round There’s wonder in the bottle another glass, another glass This ship can never sink can never skim its hull can never drown will never go down
And that’s the lie the lie that I’ve been living by for so long
Shattered streetlight reflections scatter in the puddles backlit house windows neatly arranged on hillsides it’s a painterly view through squinted eyes so cinematic through mottled glass Headphones up high the music video life It’s fifteen years now but I could stop at any time
And that’s the lie the lie that I’ve been swearing by for so long
I folded myself so carefully shoved down the narrow neck such safety in the numbness watching all of life’s weather from the confines, from the inside Pull on my strings sails raised and bellowing my course will soon stop circling and I never hurt anyone but my pickled self
And that’s the lie the lie that I’ve been telling myself for so long
The tides that I am carried on move too slowly to truly show themselves but this morning I caught sight of my reflection red eyes in tears for what they saw it’s so obvious I need to change my course and would you help me if I ask help break me out of this
I can’t afford to buy into this lie I’ve not enough time to buy into this lie anymore…
the brightness has died like it couldn’t stand the heat it left us alone on the beach where we met the fire is dead and the coldness sets in I’m wearing the same clothes as the first time we kissed and further than I could ever go a smile I want to keep forever like a beast I couldn’t tame couldn’t keep control at the time, until just now it felt all too much, too big, too bright it felt much too strong, too overgrown and like forever, it would last us and like forever, it would last…
but we were wrong… and now it’s gone…
fallen down in the snow still miles from home you drag me down lower than I have ever seen below the surface you’re trapped in sadness I’m still wearing a scowl I’ve practiced so long and deeper than I could ever pull you a look I want to lose somehow like a fear I couldn’t conquer couldn’t over-come at the time, until today it felt all too soft, too safe, too bright it felt much too tall, too durable and like forever, it would last us and like forever, it would last…
but we were wrong… and now it’s gone…
and the waves lap up against your precious face my tired arms keep us afloat a while longer and you turn to me and breathe “there can never be forever” slowly now, and wholly now my limbs take on a burning now and harder now, and breaking now we sink beneath the waves again and like forever, it shouldn’t fail us and like forever, it’s supposed to last…
but we were wrong… and now it’s gone…
I wave to you, a last farewell and as I go, I melt inside and guts all spilt, I sleep so deep wishing now to never wake the stench of death, decaying flesh drifting now, on endlessly on and on in a lonely sea
another time, another place maybe another way, another me maybe ever-lasting soon gives in soon disappears and dissipates another time, another place maybe another way, another you maybe
Pale fluorescent lighting paints the scene ears still ring hollow with such an effortless ‘goodbye’ All breathing paused as she rations out that smile all too aware of exactly what it does to me
Allowing a single kiss to parachute upon her cheek I thank her for the madness of all those past encounters But she has nothing more for me just empty eyes and vague replies
One foot follows the other as she minds that endless gap All confusion quickly thins a bullet hits me, there’s no feeling no reverence for the weight of all that’s crumbling
That wild force once warped us distorted the very shape of our existence but now in its withdrawal it has no effect on her My eyes are filled with moon hers rewind blue movies
Between our kisses I’d sketched great journeys on a napkin which she now takes and rips tucks the scraps in my top pocket In the glass of the parting doors I watch myself get torn in two
So much remains unsaid her thinning smile waves me on as the sterile platform claims her deep into its caverns Every strand of thought hangs unresolved and billowing
I know our show is over our passion moot and spare without a care The faintest farewell so fitting, so real So what…
Shooting through the greenery I lovingly eye our reflections as they flicker in the glass of a Bruges-bound train Your fingers knit silently into mine warm in your woozy dreaming
On a dirt track headed for Hanoi behind me on the motor bike cutting through a tall tapestry of trees my heartbeat lost beneath the engine Twisting the throttle so instinctively as you steal a kiss over my shoulder
Diving in the turquoise waters St Paul’s Bay, watched by a wedding parade we swim off the forty-degree heat fish darting between our toes You push your wet hair behind your ear as my fingers trace your calves
Spilling from a Kreuzberg club The 6am sky a perfect throbbing blue our eyes so wide and wondrous we kick through the empty streets back to our cheap hotel room so alive and talkative
All those moments fog my mind as we sit sofa-bound for the hundredth night in a row not going out tonight Another weekend slips away ‘It’s too cold, we’re too old for all of that now’
All those times we cracked up so busy living and thoroughly loving When kisses were endless and our hearts always leaping from one adventure to the next not sitting still, not nearly dead
It’s not too cold, we’re not too old for of all that, you know I promise you, my love for you it’s still young We’re still young…
I walk around here plainly I act so innocent most of the time Who would think of it who could think of what I’ve done when faced with this curious smile when sated by this quiet voice and caring words no hint, no trace is there of my dark secret…
Down every street of every city through every subway, every alley Always flashing through my mind is where oh, where to hide the body?
You see me waiting patiently in the all-night diner with a paper sipping slow on lukewarm coffee casually scribbling down the odd line and so polite then, to the waitress ‘I’m great with what I’ve got, thanks’ No single signal of the cogs that turn inside as they click together and tighter wind
Down every lane of every town on every beach, in every forest Always at the back of my mind is where oh, where to hide the body?
Beside every motorway’s ink-black river of road I’m staring six feet deep into a ditch I haven’t dug imagining a spade as it showers down the soil upon and with each shovel of earth; the figure disappears
Every night the same scenes play I wake up sweating another body to dispose of another corpse unearthing itself each night another body I’ve got to bury again
In every rest in every bed in every moment of every day polluting any chance of happiness where oh, where to hide the body of your sweet trust…
Tunnelling in the dirt below my feet I’ve been digging for weeks carving this hollow so deep Today, I hit bone
This is heavier work than I imagined we surveyed the ground from beyond the fence both agreed that this was right but now this toil is breaking me apart
As a new day rises I’m crying in the shower never knew I could feel this low crying in the shower with the taps turned up to ten never knew this pain was in me
She works elsewhere, broken too she rests elsewhere with someone new
This is the lowest point promise me, please let this be the lowest point
She will undulate and warp she too will dig her way through and when she climbs out of her tunnel she’ll be who she’s become and the person I loved will be gone…
She may smile the same way sometimes she may shout me some echoey ‘hello’ but the person I loved will be gone
As I hack away the earth I pause, wipe my brow and grieve mourning the person, the love, the way of life that will be buried when this work is done
Everyone’s heart gets bloodied sometimes I never thought I’d choose this path never understood the way the pain could grip you in your bones each night as you work your way through the tunnel
Promise me it’s on from here out of this tunnel my work complete and back up again towards the light…
[2009]
Thanks for reading.
Buy my books! for every 2 books I sell, I can buy myself a pint of beer.
Folding out your wings and fastening them to the breeze you stand firm upon the window sill Instinctively, you turn from me I feel the coolness of the air and know that soon you’ll be nothing but a poem on some damp page I’ll tuck away my eyes finally wiped dry
What is that holy terror beating at the heart of you? You said you long to bind your essence to the history of the world but I wonder, will you find your truth or some brittle hedonism And what scares you most is thinking that your story may go unheard
In your pursuit of freedom you’ve chained yourself to so many things to pretty bottles, departing trains torn pages, leaky pens smiling faces with haunted eyes or words of seduction so wantonly exchanging flesh for a clever rhyme or two
You sing as if you are a bird but I know you as a kite All these things, they are your string and in your endless daydream you can bare to wield no knife I know I cannot own you your art, it consumes you furiously chasing some distant dream even you can’t see
But jumping from the sill the wind plots you a new course Maybe soon, you’ll find those answers be they peace or understanding perhaps some deeper seam the bond between all things or just to give a label to that holy terror beating forever at the heart of you
Be sure to call me one day in the lonesome future if you feel the hunger has abated and you can bare to finally belong…
The city is drenched in gold tonight the sea is wrapped in silver, like my temples my hands feel older now than ever but my mind is so much surer than back when I was younger
I’ve run from love when it got tough my hair was bleached in boiling light I helped as many people as I could my thoughts were darkened in the wilderness felt alone in crowds of smiling happiness I learned to speak, to see, to feel this reality
I’ve understood, been understood I’ve compromised, been compromised I’ve judged, been judged Fairly, unfairly
There has been a heaviness in my limbs at times and there was a divine light that shone from somewhere I never knew could be in me I wronged and cheated with a pathological absence of care which boomeranged around and sunk me in the end it’s rough to open your consciousness to reality
Siblings, parents; undulating friendships the push, the pull of love and life in trying to align the poles in me I was blind, but thought I was seeing I was blank, but thought I was saying something the painted stones I carved, I threw them out to sea
I’ve deceived, been deceived I’ve contradicted, been contradicted I’ve believed, been believed Justly, unjustly
So, I take off my shoes take out my headphones I want this wave to wash all over me The short hand, the long multiplications I laid out all my working for you to see trying to crack the code of something real the combination of what is me
I’ve been taking thirty steps away from where they forged my heart I’ve been taking thirty steps toward the tide line where I etched my childhood drew a line beneath it and paused to watch…
The waves of youth lap out the waves of youth the waves the…
Tom is dead. His party’s over. Stark and sarcastic he’s just a memory, now…
So numb, I watch me crack again in horrific black and white projection about to jump, in someone else’s bed so restlessly, I turn away can’t face up to my adultery the tempted, cheating, loveless; me
So dutifully, I cover my eyes again headphones on, I watch me walking blinded, soulless, vacuum filled so magnified, I still look small swallowing my pride, all passion dies the pointless, aching, hollow; me
Devoid of colour, of life or joy the putrid skin just falls away a mess that stains the carpet One last thing to write about a death so rough and meaningless the broken, elemental, rotting; me
(And at the sight of all of this the spectator me can only laugh and from my passive lips, a joke a joke…)
They burn on in the night dripping candles of my fat for what I couldn’t give in life comes from functionality in death So openly, I tear out my beating heart the sinning, lost and wasted; me
So obviously, I watch me try to stand pushing the lens in deep between my eyes the blue flushed out and burnt away So covertly, I’m zooming in I can’t get enough of seeing this the forsaken, faithless, empty; me
So naturally, it came to me at first time took my hands so tightly pushed me into the holes again stripped my words down to the bone so pathetically, I put up a meek fight the tortured, pained, artistic; me
A joke stark and sarcastic me A joke stark and sarcastic me
[2003]
Thanks for reading this very old poem.
Note: I’m going to post some older poems which I’ve never shared before over the next week or so. They’re all quite early in my writing and are flawed in all sorts of ways (aren’t we all) but I thought they might be of interest to people to see where I started. T.A. 18th June 2021.
In the shining eyes of the girl below me lit by the dim glow of a Paris night I see the distance growing that I’ve been running from for so long
And there, I gasped lay by her side, and said “What have I become? Do I mean anything to you?”
Inhaling on a cigarette she looked at me, sideways and said “You have lost so much most of which you gave away drunkenly, or deliberately Trying to be something else but to yourself you’ll always stay a stranger in this wasteland”
And that’s me a stranger in this wasteland Yes, that’s me…
[2004]
Thanks for reading this old poem.
Note: I’m going to post some older poems which I’ve never shared before over the next week or so. They’re all quite early in my writing and are flawed in all sorts of ways (aren’t we all) but I thought they might be of interest to people to see where I started. T.A. 18th June 2021.
O, I have loved you for such a long time I have held you closer than anyone and yet still we wait for something more…
O, I have been insatiable for your voice and body I have fought to keep you harder than anyone before and yet still we wait for something more…
O, you have touched me deeper, in so many ways I have worshiped you more than any god and yet still we wait for something more…
We know not if there is the possibility of some better way We’re both unsure if there could be some truer love and yet we choose to wait for something more…
[2006]
Thanks for reading this old poem.
Note: I’m going to post some older poems which I’ve never shared before over the next week or so. They’re all quite early in my writing and are flawed in all sorts of ways (aren’t we all) but I thought they might be of interest to people to see where I started. T.A. 18th June 2021.
The Lighthouse 