Cutting to the heart of all this longing is it the vicious tongue you wag at me or the perpetual mystery hanging from your actions the contradictions of your possible state of mind
I see the hurt, I feel the pain you carry and sense your urge to be desired by men the flirt of all you do rings loudly before you and against my better judgement I can’t help but come swimming back to your shores
With every scar you try to inflict or accidentally leave on my skin I drift away for a moment only then find myself battling the waves I can’t help but come swimming back to your shores
I know you didn’t ask for this I know you didn’t choose me or this adventure Yet, I brought it to you anyway and you didn’t quite turn me away
And you’re cute, there’s no denying you spill out in all my favourite places and know how to smile with a catastrophic magnitude that tears the hair clean off my scalp
The bile in your belly, the bitch barely-contained I never knew how much I loved that rage your misery is contagious I feel its cells dividing in my bloodstream
I doubt I am the only one you’ve drugged this way I know you’re not planning to leave your man but as long as you keep stoking the engine of longing I can’t help but come swimming back to your shores
I dream about you most nights and when I’m on the bus or train, or tube, or walking down the street or when I’m in bed with somebody else I dream it’s your body over which my hands journey
And yet you only reach out a paw for me when you know I cannot be there you only say you might want for me when you know we can’t connect
You’re playing me, humble instrument to your vanity you keep me hanging on for nothing real I know all of this so well and yet I gladly hang myself I can’t help but come swimming back to your shores
Sometimes it seems; maybe you feel more for me than I realise an ambiguous choice of words and perhaps it could mean more you say the lovers kissing in the bar, are reminding you of me I say the denim shirt I wore today was reminding me of you
So, who are you anyway and why do I long like this I feel a sudden shortness of breath when I look into your eyes I feel my chest twinge when you catch me looking
There’s something in your history too I know you’ve got some good hidden in you beyond the selfish drive you choose to expose I know there’s something that I could harness
There’s something in the things you’ve seen the pleasure I know you’ve experienced your taste for the beautiful and the sublime perhaps if I could make you choose me, it would mean I’m beautiful too
You laugh at my jokes… no matter how ruthless the punchline the sharper, the more scathing the better I can’t help but come swimming back to your shores
I need to catch myself before I fall much further slam my pick in the ice before the precipice
Cutting to the heart of all this longing I see such complicated shapes emerging and despite all my better instincts I can’t help but come swimming back to your shores…
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Her fingers tracing mine Lily danced me out of the garden those green eyes brimming lively with purest abandon Then barefoot on the boardwalk her summer dress riding high she leapt onto the jetty and gestured to the sky
We let our tanned legs hang below as we bottomed up the bottle the air was hot and heavy the sea around us peaceful There was lust upon our minds as a veil upon a bride the deepest searing truths politely shot between our eyes
And no man could deny us loose and open all the time our hands and fingers; wanderers tongues locked in a rhyme By the spit between those kisses our burning lips were sewn her dress was barely there my body carved from stone
With each nail driven into skin I felt a clapping thunder the temple tapestry was tearing as she pierced my thin armour A melody sung upon her voice a lyric loudly grows I’d have gladly turned my back on all that I held close
We could have traveled every sea taking turns to lead the way if only if only she’d have asked me if only I’d thought to stay…
Dusk light falling on the harbour the day became a dream with toes curled round the boards she danced me to my feet in one movement I was shirtless in another she was naked a smiling glance was shared as we leapt with fingers knitted
Our kisses painted salty lungs burning between breaths the solution we had longed for as our bodies coalesced We swam until our limbs ached then floated side by side in the moonlit wideness of her eyes; another world, I spied
I was so thirsty for the moment and drank it all too quickly my mind got blurred and cloudy my greatest drunken folly Too naive to know the value of the treasure in my grip like sand through careless fingers I stood and watched it slip
There was water on three sides and only one path back to land but somewhere on that journey I somehow lost her hand Now, I wonder if she thinks of us a moment spared for all we shared does she ever sit upon that jetty singing of a parallel despair
We could have traveled every sea wild adventure every day if only if only she’d have asked me if only I’d thought to stay
If only I’d had the wisdom to stay…
[2020]
Extra special thanks for reading, I know it’s a long one. 🙂
Dear friend a sigh is leaving me I can concentrate now, finally a statue, standing on the jetty the lake’s slow wash below the boards hypnotising me
I feel freer now than ever more than I did back there I don’t know how you toil on those boiling days below the city tinned-life crammed in and searching for air
You wrote me of the love you found that you always dreamed was waiting head cocked to one side a wry smile you’re both sharing suddenly but so completely a focus for all that untamed love in you
Here, life moves slow but never stops completely there is a girl down in the town who looks at me so coyly and some rough lad up at the farmhouse who would gladly make me his
Between the wind-battered fields and evenings pickling in the only pub I keep an eye out for that inner peace one night I might let him take me or another, dance her into a barn
I’ve been finding something here but, speaking plainly, it’s not you I’m still swimming out each morning with that pale look upon my face I swim six laps before breakfast the palest hope painting my face
I wish you well and happy with whoever come and see me one year soon come up to the water and stay until then, my friend take care…
I watched Elena bathing in the pool of the lower garden amid birdsong and toiling insect light shimmering in the heat she’s a big girl, there’s more to love and the water must feel warm against her toes O, life is kind some days
I watched Elena swim, for hours to and fro, up and down the pool my father dug there is nothing of which she’s ashamed stepping from the water, standing bare stretching hands above her head and diving at the deep end my eyes there with her every movement
I watched Elena sunbathe on a bamboo bench against the North wall she looked so bronze and peaceful in the quiet of the lower terrace spiders scuttling across the backs of my knees lying face down in the tree house O, life is kind sometimes
I watched Elena stepping back into her dress as the sun contemplated a slow retreat picking up her wicker bag, she rolled back across the wall hopped down onto the dusty gravel road wandered slowly back into the town
I found her necklace, left at the water’s edge wrapped it twice around my thin wrist flicked a long nail against the hanging ‘E’ longingly, I watched the fiery light dance upon the water but I never saw Elena again…
The Lighthouse 